Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
