Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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