so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
