Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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