the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
