Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
