yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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