I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
