tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
