dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
