I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
