Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
