I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
