I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
