Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I touched a dick in church today
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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