GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
