i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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