The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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