I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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