maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize