Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
