I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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