She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
