I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
