can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
