I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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