I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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