I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
