I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
