Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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