This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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