When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
