I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
