I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
two words: eviction party
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
