I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
