You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
