Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
