Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
