you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm passing your future prison.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
