Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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