I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
