everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
