Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
