I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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