i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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