im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
