Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
