Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
