eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
