I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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