If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
