We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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