I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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