That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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