broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He felt like a one man threesome
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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