you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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