how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
