she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
