i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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